Dear Child

Dear Child,

Raising you has not been easy. Not because you are not wonderful; because you are wonderful. Not because you are not a joy to be with; because you are a joy to be with. Not because you don’t bring me happiness; because you do bring me happiness daily.

Raising you has been difficult because my heart is constantly having to say goodbye to you. I’m not afforded the luxury of being a constant in your life. This is a position that no parent should have to be in but yet so many are. It goes against my very nature to have to say goodbye as much as I have to.

At times, I wonder what effects it has had on my heart. It’s been a fight to not grow callused, numb, or apathetic. However, I do need a break from the pain--the pain that comes from not being a constant in your life. How do I keep going? How do I stay positive? How do I make it look so easy?

I simply think of you, and then I think to myself; if my child was walking in my shoes what would I want for them? How would I want my child to handle this situation? I am modeling what I would want for you right now--though I hope you never ever have to walk in my shoes. I diligently pray for you and teach you so that you hopefully avoid walking the extremely difficult path of divorce and co-parenting.

As the years go on, I realize that everyone is walking a difficult path of some kind--or will, at some point in their lives. The right attitude is essential--it is everything. Where I fall short, I rely on God for strength. I hope that I am modeling this well for you.

At times I feel like Jesus; being treated unfairly, wanting to say, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me.” But Jesus goes on to say, “Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” (Luke 22:42)

I am living with a heartache in which I hope you never feel for yourself, but please know it is worth every difficult moment so that I can be your mother and you my child.

Love,

Mom

“How long, Lord?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” (Psalm 13:1-6)